I’m 28 today. I can hardly believe it. There are many days where I sit in wonder amongst this blessing of family, of home, and consider how I got here. How I came to have two beautiful children, healthy and full of love and joy, as well as a wonderful husband who works hard to provide for us.
Lately, I’ve been wanting more. Left, right and centre, friends of mine have been having babies, announcing pregnancies, posting bump and baby pictures alike on Facebook and Instagram. And I’ve wrestled with a twinge of guilt that I already have two beautiful children, though in my heart I have two sets of names inscribed just waiting to bestow on two more children.
I know I would be satisfied to adopt, to practice the art that our Father has taught us. I know I would be happy with any two children, whether from my womb or another woman’s. Yet I would still like to try naturally.
In mid-June, we had a scare. There was a complication and I went to the doctor for fear of an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, it was a false alarm. It was still an emotional moment. The desire to have another baby, the fear of a pregnancy that would have to be terminated, the knowledge that Tim would prefer to wait another year or more before having more children.
So I began to plan in my head. Maybe we could try in September. Conception then would mean about two and a half years between Nathan and a new baby, which is roughly the same gap between Abby and Nathan. Abby already has shown herself to be a big help. Maybe I could convince Tim to let us try by then. Tim was home that weekend for Father’s Day and I briefly mentioned my emotional turmoil. It seemed I might not have much convincing to do, after all.
I think I first began to suspect last week. I’d been feeling more tired than usual, and although I was trying a new diet and exercise regime, I didn’t seem to be losing much weight, or even inches. I was a little discouraged by the lack of results. Then, Abby started throwing up at 1 am on Sunday morning, and every half-hour or so after that until she had a nice long nap starting about 9 am. Nathan started throwing up at 8 am, and he slept as well. It was a rough few hours there, all by myself, and I found myself praying for endurance, stamina, as I couldn’t imagine doing this for much longer.
Fortunately, both kids were back to their bouncing selves by the afternoon. I, on the other hand, lost my lunch on the lawn beside my friend’s house on Monday evening after delivering a belated birthday present. I was certain it was the bug and nothing more.
So I bought a pregnancy test, just in case.
Sure enough, there have been no signs of morning sickness – just the effects of whatever the kids had come down with.
But these tests do not lie easily, and the result was there almost instantaneously, though I waited the three minutes just to be sure.
A follow-up doctor’s appointment this morning confirms it (though we have a difference of opinion on the due date – but that will clear up after the first ultrasound).