This is a familiar road for me. I’ve travelled it twice before. The aches and pains of stretching body are memories etched into my skin.
Despite the joy I feel during pregnancy, the relief that my body shape and size no longer matter as long as baby is healthy, the pride of a body capable of nourishment, I’ve felt a cloud of anxiousness over me. Some days, the anxiety settles like a thick fog over me.
Tuesday morning last week was such a day. I’d been anticipating “Ultrasound Day” for weeks. Not only were we hoping to find out the gender, but we knew any obvious concerns about the baby’s development would be noticed and perhaps my fears could subside in the face of facts. So, excitement and fear and worry collided for a restless night of sleep before a long drive to Dawson Creek for the appointment.
I was rushing around getting kids up and ready to go to the sitters, and of course it was also garbage day. One hand full of squirming toddler, the other with garbage bags to go to the curb. My head was down and I was focussed on my tasks. And suddenly I glanced up and stood in awe at the sight before me.
A double rainbow in front of my house, as the sun rose over the mountains and the rain pattered down the street.
A glimmer of hope.
The drive to Dawson Creek was long and lonely. Music blaring on the stereo, I marvelled at the sun rising on the newly installed wind turbines, shadows cast up instead of down due to our elevation in the mountains.
A song began, one I hadn’t heard in a long time, and as I sobbed along to the music, I realized that this baby isn’t my baby, but God’s. For all my fear, the belief that I’ve been stumbling across stories of sick babies, miscarriages and other traumatic events in preparation of something to come, I don’t have to be afraid. This baby is God’s and will come as God has planned.
A sense of relief washed over me. To say I have overcome this anxiousness completely would be a lie. But it doesn’t overwhelm me, now.
I’m ready to face whatever comes our way.
(And no, we didn’t find out what we’re having yet as the technician was not allowed to reveal that information. So, off to the doctor’s on Tuesday for the results!)